"A'hd"

"A'hd" is the Arabic word for "oath" or "promise."

I made a personal A'hd when I left Palestine, that I have yet to share with anyone. So why not just share it with everyone...or just to type it out for myself, really.

I remember the day of my next-to-last Communion. I was at the Sea of Galilee with a group that I'd been helping see the sites in Israel/Palestine. It was our last gathering. I played in the warm waves of the lake. Took my water bottle to collect some stones and shells from the shore. I put the little wooden dove I was wearing on a string around my neck in the bottle too. It floated to the top at first.

The water was so clear. I almost wanted to drink it.

I texted a couple of people in America, hoping it wasn't too early because of the time difference. I was seven hours ahead. And then I stared at the lake, knowing it would be the last time I would look at it. I thought of the promise, the A'hd I was about to make, as it had weighed on my conscience for several weeks already.

I would go a year without taking Communion.

That did not make much sense to me at first. But as I prayed about it, I came to realize what Communion means to me, to others, to the Church as a whole, to God. So why be denied such a beautiful thing? I can't say all the reasons why, but I do know that my heart has been tested, strengthened, and humbled through this experience.

I took my last Communion on Easter Sunday at a campground with the church family I love.

And I won't have it again until Easter Sunday, 2009.

It's not that easy. I am uncomfortable going to church, sitting while everyone else is lined up, making their way down the isle. I sometimes go outside to be alone, to pray. But mostly I am overwhelmed with the same thoughts: of the people who are not able to receive Communion, who are lonely or lost, or who have no place to call home. I think of the people I encountered in Israel and Palestine, of their situations, and pray for peace. I think of the compassion I have been shown from people who literally have nothing, yet they baked me bread and fed me olives. And said "Thanks be to God" with nearly every other phrase. I think of how disconnected it feels to not be close to God. Or other people.

I look at the other people, and am happy they are there....

These are some of the thoughts...as I sit with the uncomfortableness in doing without. I admit, at first I was kinda ashamed of it, because I find it difficult to articulate "Why?" But it is MY A'hd. My promise. My position to keep, my cross to bear. It has it's place in my life, and I am grateful.

But I can't wait until Easter!

--Shannon

Work...Sleep...Repeat...

As my friend Naomi puts it: "it's just the same thing every day, same people, same food, same day" It's hard to keep track of the days or even months up here. There is no distinction between weekend and weekday. A 6-day workweek is mandatory for island workers, so why keep track? The only use for my calendar is to keep track of how many miles I've ran that week...

I'm in such a rut. And in such a bad mood!

Both are detestable for me, as I am used to moving, traveling, having some sort of freedom to spice things up a bit. But here, it's not so easy or even possible. It's an island. Eight miles around. That's it. There aren't so many social things to pursue, and even when there is one, I will be working. There are plenty of bars, but that avenue has long since lost it's luster for me.

Work...Sleep...Work...Jog... There has to be more to my life than that. And of course there is...an occasional movie night with the gals. An occasional great night out. But as the summer wears on and people leave...these occasions are becoming more and more rare.

I requested the afternoon off tomorrow to go to a poetry gathering. I'm so ready to expand my mind in a different direction! I want to garden, to write, to go camping, to settle down in Louisville. These are things my heart wants, and I cannot wait for them any longer.

Earning more money has become an empty reason to remain in this place, where I have no way to channel my energy for something good.

"Alcatraz" is what someone called this place the other day :-) Fitting in some regards.

You ever just know when it's time to move on? It's time.
Only I have one more task to do...
Run my race.

The Best Perspective...

Yesterday I got to "babysit/hangout" with Charlotte, a 7 year old girl who is staying with her parents here in the hotel. We have babysitting services for guests, and normally I do not make myself available for that! (had a not so fun experience with it on the island years ago...rich people sometimes have very very very bratty kids!)

But Charlotte was different. In an eccentric young-Drew Barrymore kinda way.

Upon check in, she had these fake tattoo stars all on her arms and even her forehead. She was shy, as I was a stranger. The next day, her dad said she wanted ME to babysit her. And so our 3 hour adventure involved walking to the playground...playing around on the swings....throwing rocks in the water (did that for about an hour, and looked for cool rocks)...getting ice cream...playing Old Maid.

It was actually one of the best nights I've spent on this island. I'm getting too run down with the other types of "fun" this place has to offer. And spending time with a 7 year old really warps your perspective of life...for the better! I got home and had my head and heart full of how she saw the world. It was the most interesting thing to reflect on...

Favorite Quotes from Charlotte:
~I name everyday...the first day was "Island explore day" yesterday was "horse back ride day" today is "babysit day" I've been looking forward to this ALL DAY.

~I wanted you to babysit me.
-Why me?
~I like your red hair. I think that it's neat.

~The waves are my ENEMY! (As we throw rocks in the water)

~You know what I think of war? (she said out of the blue...)
-what?
~I think they should stop it. Just don't fight.

~Rub the dirt on the rock like THIS see? It looks neat.

~ I like getting really dirty.

~ I bought one mouse toy and one rat toy. Look!
~ I named them Dratcula and Isabella. Cuz this one is black like a Dracula, and the other one is white like a girl.

~ I have a friend who blows her nose like this (hand covering nose and tissue in other hand)
~Isn't that WEIRD?!

-How do you whistle so good? (i can't whistle at all)
~It's easy. Like this....no put your tongue like this...
(i still can't whistle)

~ I'm saving my last 3 dollars to buy something special.
-What?
~A HUGE ALLIGATOR! Hahaha
(lots of giggles following and her dancing about...)

The 5 Year Plan...

I did not have a 5 year plan 5 years ago...it seemed totally irrelevant, as I was just trying to make it one day at a time. That's about all I could manage those days. Memories are distant.

But today holds many distinct memories. Five years ago today, my mother died.

Yet, it seems like a lifetime ago. In many ways it was another lifetime ago...

I was working here on Mack island; went home the day before she died; came back to the island to work. And here I am 5 years later. This year is different. This year I am free to act like the 23-year-old that did not get to stay out all night or make new friends. I just didn't have it in me at that time. I had real responsibilities: selling my childhood home; planning a funeral; paying lots of bills; finding time and figuring out how to grieve.

I think that's why the current 28-year-old me is having so much fun with these college aged kids. Somehow fulfilling that urge to be in and of the moment. Being very lighthearted, as before it was not something that came so easily. I can't even tell you who I worked with that year, as I did not get to know any of my coworkers. Even though I spent 6 months with those people! And so far only 3 with the current group, and I've had numerous fun times with them. Even just last night...

I often wonder how my sister and I managed. I could not have done it all without her. She, being the older sister (just a couple years older), carried more of the burden. I basically had no idea what I was doing.

And now, five years later, I still am not sure of what I am doing with my life. But I know who I am. I know where I've been, and am hopeful to where I am going. I never thought I would have a family again, but I've been blessed to have great siblings, and an awesome church family in Louisville. I've lived in other countries. I've travelled the world.

None of this was in my 5 year plan :-)

That's because I do not have one. But maybe I'll start...next year :-)

Chaos to Insanity

Thud...thud...thud....the sounds of people going up the stairs. "HAHAHA" chatter, chatter, the sounds coming from the circle porch. These are the sounds at work just before midnight, when I get to leave it all behind...

So, it's yacht races on Mackinac! (pics soon) The Port Huron to Mack is now, and next week is Chicago to Mack. Which will surely be insane as it is the 100th anniversary or something of that race.

Yacht races= chaos on the island. Everything is booked. These dirty loud drunken sailors come off their boats and look for more beer and even more trouble. But it's all good fun, for the most part. I love the craziness of it all, as I get very energized when things stray from the norm.

Here at the Front Desk we're supposed to watch out for sailors using the rooms for showers (they will book one room, and let their buddies shower in it, so it's like 7+ people using up all the hot water...) Tonight room 323 ordered loads of room service; room 206 complained about everything; room 314 had the door propped open with a case of beer...

Did I mention they are paying like around $400 bucks per night?

Anyhoo-- I've had my fill of partying lately. Lots of good times Thursday night at the Mustang, and Saturday night...let's just say my head hit the pillow at 4:17am. After some tequila, some dancing, some lying on the golf course with a group of friends, looking at the stars, etc. Nuff said :-)

Yacht races will always bring out the pirate in you.

Road Trip!

"You off tomorrow?"

That's how it all began. I was dead set on NOT going off island again for my day off, since I just went to Petoskey. But my coworkers Jake, Brittany, and Will spontaneously decided to go to Tequamaneon Falls. I had a late night/early morning (as did they...) and was just thinking how much I was NOT going at 9am when Jake texted me.

"Ok, I'm in"

And it was the best day. Totally laid back, chill, not too much conversation, lots of woods and nature around. First we went to Will's cabin, where he has horses (!), and one of the horses just gave birth to twins (!). Granted, we live on an island where horses are the main mode of transport, but the Island horses are different. Not so friendly, as they seem focused on their work. Seriously.

Next stop was the Falls, in the UP, near Canada. Last stop was Whitefish Point, a random place where we saw big barges on the lake.

It was one of the best road trips I've had because everyone was so relaxed. We even had a shopping stop in there, and a couple fast food breaks. Jake had some good tunes and drove the whole time. I slept in the car :-) I wish we could have gone camping...

I am trying to think of why it was so relaxed. I think because we didn't have any sort of agenda. I'm learning to go with the flow in life more, as I used to be a SUPER laid back person before life got hectic and too drama focused. Sometimes I guess you have to be reminded of who you were to accept who you are now. Good or bad. And currently, it's all good :-)

Real World Delirum...

Went to Petoskey today, a little town 45 minutes south of Mackinac City. I was running an errand for my boss, who needed some art pieces picked up from the framers for the upcoming Arts Festival on the island.

I've missed my Jeep, so I was glad to get away for part of the day. Got a tad annoyed at the $4.39 gas prices.

I know it's higher overseas, so I hate to grumble, but it's really more than I can afford these days, so I'm very glad to be living on a no-cars-allowed island...

On the ferry ride back, I overheard a family speaking Arabic (!). It's not uncommon to see people wearing head coverings on the island, but I've not heard too much Arabic. I wanted to hug them :-) It was so comforting. I chatted with them, and found out they are originally from Lebanon, and are now living in Deerborn, Michigan.

The island has worked it's magic on me yet again, as it is easy to get sucked into this vacuum, not realizing what is going on in the outside world. My workplace is full of young energetic people, providing a mixed melting pot of "drama". Too many to count have quit, or gotten fired, or left for various reasons. Too many get drunk EVERY night (not kidding). Too many are my friends.

I should learn better than to make friends with people that I KNOW are not going to stick around, as the current situation prevents such lasting relations to occur. Yet, we are all in this together. It's like summer camp, with money and potential trouble.

Too many times I've had to tell more about my life than I wanted to originally. Like, where I got my clothes (mostly from overseas, Thailand, Bali, Cyprus, Israel, etc), which leads to deeper sharing, which I really did not intend to share. I am still not sure if it's a good thing to open up or not, but when one spends so much time with a group of people, it's bound to happen. My tattoo has also been the point of conversation multiple times.

Strange how shy I am about it all. It's just too personal to me, far removed from who I am today, yet deeply ingrained into who I am now. I think I hesitate also because I miss certain aspects of the past so much. Being unaware of the harsh realities of the world, untouched from tragedy, carefree; I miss walking down the street in Thailand, eating mango and spicy sugar, or meat on a stick. I miss riding on motorcycles. I miss the dry heat of Jerusalem summer, and the rooftop meals with friends there. I miss seeing elephants in my Thai neighborhood, and donkeys in my Palestine neighborhood. I miss the smells of the market, even the stinky fish.

I miss it more knowing I may never see it again. Knowing those who I try to share my experiences with have no idea what life is like outside the United States...

So vivid, the memories are sometimes, so random the way I will suddenly think of a Thai or Arabic or Spanish phrase...my mouth begging to speak it aloud, yet I don't let it.

So I just sigh and light incense and say a prayer...and try to make sense of it all. And hope to never forget how blessed I am.